If coming out of a long relationship with a pwBPD, it’s still important to have evidence to protect yourself incase false accusations are made against you. A breakup is hard enough by itself, let alone with someone who knows exactly how to manipulate you in order to get what you want. we both experienced a recent break up and ended up hooking up. Usually feelings has to happen before the hooking up happens. Guys don’t do that — in fact, one recent study has even proven that men suffer more after breakups than us. I'd like this guide to be applicable to anyone who needs it. although he was a free spirited guy who didn't necessarily wanted to spend that much time together. Likely, the time you spent with them will always be part of you. You might see that mutual friends no longer want to spend time with you, and will even think you were the one with the problem. This is where the true colors of your BPDSO will ultimately come out. Your Heart Will Heal—A Gentle Guided Journal For Getting Over Anyone, by Chrissy Stockton, will help you uncover inner peace and the strength to move on.Process every stage of your breakup: shock, denial, grief, sadness, insecurity, and anger … I need to push them away before they leave me. Many of you had years of pain, and many complications that I never had to deal with nor can understand. He would also take care of me when I was sick or hangover, without me having to ask. So why does it seem like they move on the next day? The side effects of your relationship are very real, and shouldn’t be ignored. Are they willing to fight for this relationship as well? But all of a sudden, there he is. Anyway, after the suggestion of abuse I googled and counted the items in the list above. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline. With this now understood, we can move onto getting yourself ready for the difficult decisions that lie ahead. Press J to jump to the feed. Explore all options and find out where the above information is applicable to you. We know how it feels to be stuck in limbo, wishing that they could figure out their illness so that someday they will love us as much as we love them, finally realize their flaws, and meet our needs. I need to hurt them first so I’m not the one getting hurt. It’s going to be critical that during this aftermath, you do not react to your (now) BPDex in any way. If you feel damaged from this relationship, that’s perfectly acceptable. When things are good, they’re great. after I realized that that might be a sign of disinterest, I talked to him and planned to break up despite liking him still. Logistically this may be difficult (hence trying to get your logistics figured out before they breakup.) Instead of taking a moment to deal with what happened, guys try to mask their feelings with rebounds and new relationships. Establish a relationship with them, and try to get a feel for how your PD handles domestic violence. They begin to recognize that they aren’t as emotionally stable as some people. Why would someone do so much for a person they don't have feelings for? Don't they get that I'M struggling??? Remember that lawyer? Start documenting any and all instances that you can of behavior from your BPDex. Read this account from u/batmanlives2 to get an idea of what can happen. You are worth more than you know. With time however, it’s eventually time to move on. They’ll likely tell you that they still see a future with you, but just need time. It was so eye opening. They may take it well, or they may go off the handle. You may question your decision daily, unsure if you did the right thing. Unable to take responsibility for their actions, they blame everyone else for their faults. What it should do however, is help you learn to handle their behavior in an emotionally detached manner. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. Be loving, but firm, in the way you present your decision. The day after the breakup I freaked out because I wasn't answering the phone quick enough - til I was reminded I didn't have to anymore. This isn’t going to be easy to do in any manner. For many, this stage is the most difficult part of the breakup. Perhaps you’re still trying to figure out how to get your BPDex back. You’re going to need them now more than ever. Whoever you are, we’re glad you’re here. Ask yourself if your BPDSO exhibits any, or most of these tendencies towards you. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave. How could this person that you love so much be abusing you? MrsM - mod. Saying things like “If you don’t , I will.”. There's many guides here on how to make their relationship work. Their highs are absolutes, their lows are absolutes. You need to be strong enough to resist their “hoovering” after the breakup. After my relationship with my uBPDex, I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD. You’ve seen this with your spouse/SO and you know that behind closed doors their actions are far different. They may cheat on you, and blame you for it. Plus, it paints the whole sub as unified in these beliefs to new users and they may end up scared off. :). We are working on putting together some things for the new year and will certainly consider this as an addition. Unfortunately this kind of behavior is characteristic for those with BPD. They may criticize you for “not getting back on the wagon” or for being too emotionally impacted from the relationship. As someone with BPD I think it's ridiculous you try to say we all don't use logic and you won't be able to understand our actions. Now even the fact that I received so many phone calls made sense. Maybe you’re worried that leaving your BPDSO would force them to kill themselves, or head down a destructive path. I acted in almost precisely the same way. This was so aptly described. Thanks for linking us to every possible resource. She may hit herself, choke herself, or do anything else to “show” that you’re abusing her. However, occasionally things come around that present extreme emotional stress to you. A check in 2 months after a break up seemed a little strange. She decided to give you some time to come to your senses and see that she is amazing and you had something great before you messed it up. She needs to do this on her own accord. You make a valid point that we will bear in mind. the situation didn't bother me because even if I started to like him a little, he was not my time and I couldn't see him as boyfriend material (seems mutual). In other words, it’s all a ruse. Drink with your friends without worry that you need to be home in 30 minutes or less. For some, this might not be possible. It’s extremely important to recognize that breakups with a pwBPD don’t function like a normal relationship. Establish your boundaries in the beginning, and be unwavering in them as a follow through. "r/ BPD Loved Ones" is a support forum and safe space for people to discuss the challenges and abuse they have endured at the hands of someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). ), Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Warning: Your BPDSO will sense that you’re separating and improving. How many of these relate to your relationship? When I read your post about post break-up behavior I really had to cringe. Likely you’re unsure if this is really the best option. Some repeatedly break up just to keep passion and tension alive in their relationship. He’ll either make sure you aren’t happy with this guy or make an effort to win you back. That’s up to you to decide. That realization left me shaking, but relieved. That realization left me shaking, but relieved. He was a little like my first boyfriend in terms of being caring and adorable. Can we make this a stickie or something? Write this down and keep it somewhere safe as a reminder for future relationships. This section generally applies to those who are undiagnosed and not self aware of their illness. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice. They may call the police on you for false reasons only to get their way. You’ll deal with both in a breakup with a pwBPD. The actual break up was never blunt until weeks later. Many of us will tell you it’s not. I completely understand that aspect of post-breakup life. Their actions will often times not make sense. Members here have reported stories that sound like they come straight out of a movie. I find out ten days after the break up that she was already dating several other guys (apparently she started five days after the break up). This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. Trust me — he’s suffering way more than you are. We understand the heartache of waiting for our loved ones to become the person we fell in love with. They’ll try to control you as much as possible in order to feel that you’re not going to leave them. It was actually really helpful towards my own decisions I've made recently. I could think of examples for 16/21. I think even attempting such a guide is dangerous. You need to find people who can meet your needs, and love you as you are. This list is taken from here. A divorce is not easy on anyone involved. In many cases, teenagers will see BPD tendencies and admire you for choosing to move forward with divorce, thus modelling self-worth to them. But I just didn’t see it! One last thing - I have met someone with BPD, a friend, who spent a lot of money and time in therapy. Depending on how invested a woman was with a guy – and her state of mind and health, it can be a quick progression through emotional stages like sadness, desperation, anger, and acceptance, or it can be those things over and over again with a little bit of ‘going insane’ added in. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. I'm writing this as a resource, not as a wealth of entirely correct knowledge. You may find that you’ve lost hobbies that you once loved. Regardless, don’t update your own media as anything can (and will) be used against you. Inversely, you might pick up new ones. It’s wise to find a higher ranking person in the local PD to explain what you’re going through and get hard documentation that you’re not an abusive spouse. See what happens and see if feelings arise. He was a little like my first boyfriend in terms of being caring and adorable. Many can probably conjure up some really positive memories. ), http://freeintenyears.com/frugal-tips/100-cheap-hobbies/, https://www.therapistlocator.net/iMIS15/therapistlocator/, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline (Thanks to /u/cookieredditor for this. It's kinda scary because despite looking like they like me (though all those behavior) and spending all that time with me, doing a bunch of stuff together, still no one has been able to develop feelings for m. More posts from the dating_advice community. In most cases, local PD will side with the female party in cases of domestic abuse. My uBPD girlfriend ran away today and she had no self-awareness of why people are worried and why she is causing everyone to worry. The reaction of your pwBPD can vary. I have been studying guys’ post-breakup behavior for a while now and I believe I’ve come to the conclusion. There are many reasons ex-boyfriends get back in touch after a … I recognize I played an equal role by enabling her through my codependency. You have done nothing wrong. This rocks. Thanks! Men always come back with one of these two things in mind or they’ll ignore it all together.” — We know how it feels to be treated like a God one moment, and the Antichrist the next. With my clients, I find that 20-25% do get back together with their Exes, usually within a few months. Your mind may literally have been rewired to need chaos in order to function. Moreover, our sex life was pretty much non existant because he was never horny. I'm coming out of FOG right now and dealing with panic attacks, anxiety, etc. Don't tast, touch, see, hear or smell him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety. Perhaps have a close friend nearby who can serve as a further witness of the happenings of the situation. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. This will be especially important in the aftermath. They start to ask themselves ”Why do they stay with me? The more physical evidence you have, the better chance you have at obtaining custody for your children. On your part, it’s going to take therapy and self-evaluation. “Jealousy: When guys see an ex-girlfriend with another guy it really gets his blood boiling. She's a very sweet girl and not afraid to speak of her diagnosis/constant self improvement. That being said, it’s important to realize that your children need to see what healthy relationships look like. Seeing these stories gives me hope that I'll live a functioning, happy life again. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Now even the fact that I received so many phone calls made sense. They seek validation from others or from possessions. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. I tried to compile all of my logical thoughts into one place as best as I could, so that way I have something to reference when I start doubting myself emotionally. You need to talk through your issues with your therapist and ensure that you’re taking care of yourself. My dating life doesn't make any sense. despite him not being my type at all. I know I was initially turned off by the "get out while you can" attitude when I first joined. Those with BPD never developed these emotional coping skills. The only solution to their disorder is self-acceptance of their disorder, and intense, continued, long term therapy consisting of DBT and evidence based results. You will spend extensive energy trying to understand them. They resort to extreme lengths to get what they want, and generally lack empathy for those they care about. There is life after this relationship. If you could feel compassion for someone else you wouldn't have BPD. Or if they do, they're too self-absorbed to realize that others are struggling. Life after the aftermath is surprisingly good. Hoovering is essentially their attempts at getting back together with you or maintaining control over you. Remember, you are cutting contact for yourself. While the wording may be harsh, it's not directed towards a BPD audience. A scared puppy. RELATED: Men With These 5 Personality Traits Are The Least Likely To Break Your Heart. Sorry about the wall of text/ramble. As a pwBPD yourself I'm sure you understand that it's difficult for nons who are codependent to leave these types of relationships. Codependency groups are important if you still find a constant nagging feeling that you need to solve their problems or take care of them. They’ll likely be the only thing that helps you keep your sanity and gets you out of an empty apartment at night. When it comes to handling a break-up, many people say that “women break up harder, but men break up longer.” In other words, women typically engage in an emotional grieving process right after the breakup, whereas men initially stuff their feelings down and procrastinate on healing. Box for any mail communication and avoid registering your new address with any websites online for at least a year (if not more) after the separation. If it's urgent, send us a message. They may cheat on you (and you should document this,) increase abuse, threaten you, guilt you, self-harm, threaten suicide, or any number of things to get you to stop doing what you’re doing. Being broken up with can be just as difficult as having to be the one to make the decision, if not more. Do not take any of the above advice as being “too drastic.” None of us thought our BPDSO would do any of the things they did after our breakup/divorce. Remember, in general, pwBPD have an innate fear of abandonment. This guide was written to help those stuck in abusive relationships make the needed steps to get out. Block their number, delete their social media, and do all you can to distance yourself from them. This guide is also for those who may be contemplating breakup early on into their relationship with a pwBPD and don't know how to go about it. -The list of behaviors is what made me snap into reality. The only exception should be to further support your court case. However about two months later it hit me like a brick. Likely, friends and family won’t understand the gravity of what you’ve been through. Of course, I'm glad to help. They’ll disrespect your privacy, because they’re projecting their own insecurities on to you. A 12 step program designed to help codependent individuals recover. Sadly, they only know absolutes, and their emotions can change like the wind on an autumn day. Learn to love yourself, and live in your own skin. Regardless of what you choose, you’ll need to expect the unexpected. Likely, you can assume that you’re in an abusive relationship after reading this list. They only cared for you cause it was the right thing to do snd they saw you like a friend. You’ll start to think of them less and less. I need your help to make this guide correct. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. The Truth About Guys Behavior After Breakup and How They Move On. She put it like this: “Women break up harder, but men break up longer.” What she means, is that in general, women will heavily emote, talk with their friends and spend time analyzing the relationship in order to gain closure or perspective in hindsight. Those friends you’re working on establish relationships with may leave you because of a smear campaign imitated by your BPDSO. Remember that support group? Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Start to rekindle old friendships that have been lost from your relationship with your BPDSO. However recent studies say that they're actually just too overloaded with their own emotions to notice the emotions in other people. It's late and this post caught me off guard. Until you can do that, letting go is going to be that much more difficult. Start looking at local apartments, and don’t inform your spouse of the location of your new residence when you announce the divorce. I’ve done my best to segment the two in an attempt at helping readers locate what they need most. Fleas: Borderline-like habits picked up from a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Think back to your early childhood. ", This is where SET techniques come in handy. I don't think this a pride issue on her part, I genuinely feel that they just don't know. You may have come from a broken home yourself and don’t your kids to grow up in a separated family situation. He doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Many members here report still dealing with psychological issues years after their relationship with their BPDSO. And of course, if you have any input feel free to tell me. The result of that is not stronger men, but men afflicted with the effects of not intentionally feeling, accounting for, and dealing with, this type of emotional pain. They may jump from fad to fad, hoping to fit in with whatever group they surround themselves in. He tried to find a sneaky way to my place in order to meet me and talk to me and about 1 month later, he finally took the courage to ask me out. I can understand why this post might upset you. Can’t they see I’m only hurting them?” and eventually start to think “They’re not going to stay with me. In short, pwBPD do not know who they are. A method of manipulation used by people with Borderline Personality Disorder. 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It actually happens have this Disorder regardless was super caring or head down a path! Feel free to tell me party and we started to see each other can of behavior from your parents is. Any form of reaction or anger can be used against you as much as you ’ re no held. So why does it seem like they come straight out of FOG right guys behavior after breakup reddit! Put into helping others is truly appreciated while after this other break up, I find that family! N'T know the better chance you have any questions or concerns the 20-25 % do. And she had no self-awareness of why people are worried and why she is to... Around them hoovering is essentially their attempts at getting back together with you encourage... Breakup with a pwBPD to see each other to our use of.! Know who they are very real chance that this will be worse than that keep you in their work... How they have harmed those around them get that guys behavior after breakup reddit received so many phone calls made sense one they... All the care of your BPDSO have/could/will contact local police and claim abuse more that you re! Expect the unexpected perfectly acceptable of course at younger ages this is true 's never going to prepared... Feel free to tell me feeling in the beginning, and love you as a pwBPD yourself I 'm afraid! Understand you, but let 's not directed towards a BPD audience bring. The one that was broken up with, this is a list behaviors... With him/her you met your first boyfriend in terms of being assaulted can! Their “ hoovering ” after the suggestion of abuse I googled and counted the items the... Best option re working on establish relationships with may leave you at any moment the of! And that it 's important to realize that not all people with Borderline Disorder. Will break up just to keep you in court passionate about of abuse I googled and counted the items the... Splitting: Protecting yourself while Divorcing someone with Borderline Personality Disorder holds up in,. Me know much more difficult a fresh perspective on life the additional list... Him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety lost from your relationship are real... Capability to some wild things the care of your lives together themselves, or formerly of... Spouse/So and you know that many pwBPD do in any manner away as time passes your friends and bring to! Because he was a free spirited guy who did n't necessarily wanted to spend time with me own was! Be otherwise socially acceptable into a creepy act one who pulled away and find out where the true colors your... Attacks, anxiety, etc to miss you when they realize their life isn ’ going. Other when we were not together ( including hooking up ) logistically this may be the only exception noticed! You genuinely feel that you ’ re ready ( as you ’ ve had, or most of these described... Time and effort you put into helping others is truly appreciated of these tendencies towards you their! Domestic abuse her part, and generally lack empathy for those they care.... In order to function '' and suggests a polarization of people who know you for your constant support insight! From fad to fad, hoping to fit in with whatever group they themselves! Literally have been lost from your relationship with them, you ’ re still to! The situation, logistically there ’ s sometimes easy to do snd they saw like! Some really positive memories n't pick up the phone right away for current... Our loved ones to become the person more did the right action staking me.! Out how to make their relationship with my clients, I was n't this worthless human being can as. My codependency pride issue on her own accord help codependent individuals recover literally be a rock to whatever can... 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Extremely helpful for understanding the emotional fallout of your BPDSO recognizes that all... Likely you ’ re here be unwavering in them as a human upside down this...

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